I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Never underestimate the power of titties
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