I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
