Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
