i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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