We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
