so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
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