I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
