i don't know how boys match. i think shoes & belt are the only thing. it doesn't matter. i just know if they look stupid.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
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