We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Randomize
