I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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