I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
the room spins SO much faster in panama
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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