I threw up into my coffee this morning.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
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