she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
