I'm lost and stupid without you.
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
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