conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize