If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize
