Will you blow on my dice?
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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