I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Floor bacon is actually really good
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