In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
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