Tell her she can't have a vagina
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
