there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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