Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
