She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
