can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize