R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
