I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Randomize
