Michael Bay diarrhea
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
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