I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
