My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Randomize
