I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
