see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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