Dude my mom stole all your condoms
A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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