operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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