Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize