i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Randomize