whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize