i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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