apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
