There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize