im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
