pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
