I wish I only lived at night.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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