Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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