Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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