I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Randomize
