she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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