I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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