I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
