I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
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