You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
I could make wine with my vomit
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
