Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
so... how was it???
he had bart simpson sheets. he had itunes on shuffle and "don't worry be happy" started playing when he took his boxers off. sad to say i was neither worried nor happy
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
