Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
