Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
