he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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