i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Randomize
