You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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