96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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