I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Randomize
