Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
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