hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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