1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
