i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
