YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
