Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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